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Thursday, March 3, 2011

*Sigh* Times are Tough...

I should post more often...

Since I know no one will read this, I can rant to my heart's content. I've been bothered with a lot of things lately, most of which is family.

Now, my non-existant readers, before you start assuming this is some angsty teenage (which I happen to fulfill neither of) rant, allow me to explain. In June, I'm getting married. This should be a happy occasion, and I am indeed looking forward to it. My parents are not.

Well, really, I think there has been a lot of miss-communication between me and my parents. I tend to do a piss-poor job of explaining myself. I get put on the spot and I panic. I love my social anxieties...

My parents think that I'm being forced to marry by my girlfriend and her family. This is not true at all. I was given a choice, and had the choice all along. Now, I may be at the point that backing out will make me an ass, which is why I don't plan on backing out. But this is without a doubt, my own choice. At the time when things went into motion, I just went with it. But as time passed, I began to get excited about the whole thing. I went through my period of cold feet, and despite that, I realized that I love my soon-to-be wife very much.

Very few people really understand me. Even less can put up with my whole cocktail of social ineptitude and neurotic psychological problems. I used to believe I was just ADD and bad with people. College really helped bring to light that I'm a lot more fucked up as a person that I originally believed. But this information is good. I learned that I'm not the only person with issues. And that I'm slowly (very slowly) trying to resolve my crap ton of psyche problems. I realized that there's only one person out there who really tries to get me and help me through my problems.

Back when I flunked out of college, I suffered from depression. It was fairly crippling at that. It wasn't the sort that could be solved quickly, or easily. I went through a lot of self-exploration. I scoured my own psyche for the reasons for my problems, believing that finding the source may provide some insight in fixing the issue. There were times that I just cried like a baby. When I realized that I had very little going for me; when I realized that I had very few friends anymore; when I realized that I just sucked at a lot of things that I thought I was good at; When I realized that life was far harsher that I believed it to be... I even considered suicide on a few occasions (and I should note that I take suicide to be a very serious topic). I had thought of hanging myself from the break room balcony at work with bungee cords. I had considered throwing myself off a roof, head first. And I cried every time.

The worst part about all of that depression is that no one noticed. Well, almost no one. My family sure as hell didn't really pick up on it. My friends were too busy with their own crap to figure it out. But my girlfriend did. And she was my saving grace during those days. Even when I was scared out of my mind from the depression, she was there for me. When I considered drinking myself to oblivion and slicing my wrists into pieces, she was there, when no one else was.

I'm a lot to put up with. I get anxious and worked up really easy. Especially dealing with people. I can be wishy-washy at times. I space out or focus on things that don't really matter. I have a horde of geeky hobbies, and not much else. I can be really stubborn about really stupid shit. I'm a picky eater. I have little drive to do anything. I'm missing some common sense. I'm awkward to be around most of the time. I have troubles understanding my own emotions. I have issues.

It's amazing that anyone is willing to put up with all of that. Gods know I wouldn't want to. But my girlfriend does. She loves being with me, every second of the day. She never forces her own decisions onto me, but allows me to choose my own fate and future. I love her.

For once in my life, I feel drive. For once, I actually want to do something other than play video games. For once, I'm willing to stand up for myself and tell everyone to put up with MY shit, and not the other way around. For once, I'm moving towards a future. For once, I may actually be truly happy for the first time in years.

My parents, from what I can tell, do not want me to get married because I'm not done with college yet. To me, it doesn't matter. I will finish college, regardless. It may take a little while longer, but so be it. I don't mind.

I'm being put into a situation that I may be pissed at my family regardless of my choice. I back out of the wedding now, I'll be pissed at them for forcing me to do so, and I own my girlfriend's parents the money they put down on the wedding. If I go through with plans, I may be cut off from my family and I'll be pissed at them for it.

I gave them a chance to cancel this wedding before things got too serious. They didn't understand that, though, and avoided meeting with my g/f's family to discuss things. And now they want to stop it when the money's been put down. I'm not backing down at this point. Too late now, in my book.

Well, if my dad fights me on this tonight, I may have to cut them off. I don't want to, but it feels like I may have to. By the gods I hope that an understanding can be reached...

-Locke

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